Sorrow
by M. Pond
Summary: Sometimes the only thing you can say is "I'm sorry." Tosh/Owen and hints of Owen/Katie.


**A/N: This is written as if 'Exit Wounds' never happened. Basically I started writing this just after 'Fragments' but then I couldn't find it on my computer no matter how hard I looked. I was really annoyed but I forgot about it. Then I decided to continue the next chapter of '24 Hours' so I went to open that chapter. However I opened this instead and I decided to finish it.**

**So this is just after 'Fragments' and there is no 'Exit Wounds.' And yes Owen is dead but he can cry (for the sake of this).  
**

**Enjoy and please review.**

* * *

The hub's continuous silence was something that was really irritating Owen. He had been sat in the medical bay for the past hour, fiddling with anything he could get his hands on to try and block out the silence. Gwen had left with Rhys shortly after their little message from Captain John, while Ianto had slipped out with Jack after they'd all given up hope of trying to second-guess what the meaning was behind the hologram. He wasn't too sure when Tosh had left, but judging by the silence, she too had cleared out. That just left him – the walking dead man who couldn't even sleep. That meant he had to try and keep himself entertained while the rest of the team were off sleeping or shagging or whatever it was they did in their spare time.

He banged a metal tray full of surgical tools down on the countertop and the clang it made rang out across the hub. He knew the real reason he didn't want there to be silence, he was trying to avoid thinking about Katie. If there was noise then there was a chance that he could block the memories from appearing and taunting him with what he had lost. Sadly there was only the noise that he himself was creating and that didn't appear to be enough. Every time he stopped, even for a second, a memory would flash into his head – them planning the wedding, her not being able to remember things, the doctor taking her into surgery, her lying dead on the table with her head cut open, her funeral – that he wanted to avoid. Swearing under his breath, he began to pull out all the drawers in the bay and sort them into a new order. The noise of the metal instruments banging together still wasn't enough and an image to Katie sitting nervously in the doctor's office, flew into his head. He pulled the drawer that he was sorting out and threw it down onto the floor. The instruments inside scattered across the polished white floor and the drawer itself cracked down the middle. He kicked it across the room, not bothering to see where it landed. All he wanted to do now was go out and get hammered, go on the pull, anything that would shut the memories out. Being dead, however, made none of that possible.

He threw himself down on the table and shut his eyes, finally letting the memories wash over him.

"_What happens if they can't fix me Owen?" Katie's voice was full of fear and she sounded liked a scared child. She was lying in one of the hospital beds, waiting to go in for surgery. He leant forward and grabbed her hand tight._

"_Katie I promise you that you'll get through this. I'll be waiting for you when you come out and we'll have the summer wedding that you want." He smiled at her, desperately trying to hide his own worries from her. The last thing that she needed was for him to breakdown as well. He ran his finger over the engagement ring that she wore and raised her hand to his lips, kissing it. _

"_It's time Katie." The neurologist, Dr Nicholls, approached the bed and gave her a small smile. "There's nothing to worry about, this is routine operation." She nodded and Owen knew that she knew that this was anything but routine. _

_As they wheeled her away he grabbed her hand for one last time._

"_I'll be waiting for you, I promise."_

His eyes flew open and he stared up at the high ceiling of the hub. He'd never seen her alive again after that; that was his last memory of her and it was of her weak and scared. He'd promised her that he'd wait for her but instead she had died on the operating table, surrounded by doctors that she barely knew. He still wondered if there was anything he could have done, something that could have saved her. He knew deep down that there wasn't anything he could have changed; he'd lost her.

His thoughts were disturbed by a sound that he hadn't picked up on before – crying. He sat up from the bed and strained his ears to listen properly. There it was, the distinct sound of someone sobbing. It was muffled, like they didn't want anybody to hear them, but he could just make it out. Sighing, he spun off the table and began to make his way up the stairs, leaving the mess he had created on the floor behind.

* * *

Tosh was leaning against the wall underneath Jack's office, her head buried in her hands. Ever since she'd been trapped in the explosion she had been haunted by memories of her time in prison. She'd tried to block them out but they kept on flying to the forefront of her mind, the pure fear that had flowed through her body. Once Jack, Ianto and Gwen had all left there had been nothing to stop her breaking down. She knew Owen was still around, she could hear him smashing his tools about, but the look on his face when they'd got into the SUV had told her that he didn't want to be disturbed. So instead she was curled up sobbing her heart out in fear as the horrific memories stormed through her mind.

_It had been days since anyone had spoken to her or even met her gaze. Guards came and went, leaving trays of unappetizing food in front of her and then taking them away untouched. But none of them said a single word to her, instead ignoring her wasting form. She felt invisible, like she was no longer even a person. Every element of her life had been pulled from her and now she was nothing more than a prisoner in a place that she didn't know. Her days simply consisted of pacing around the cell, nothing more. She was too drained now to ask questions or even talk. She wasn't sure she could talk anymore; it had been so long since she had uttered a single syllable. So instead she was silent, either pacing the floor or sitting in the corner. _

_The heavy iron door eased open and she glanced up to see a guard enter, one that she had never seen before. The young woman, who looked to be about her age, knelt down and placed the tray of food on the floor. She stood and turned to leave. But before she did she looked up and met Tosh's gaze before flashing her a small smile. Then she was gone. _

_Tosh leant her head back the wall and thought of the young woman's smile. It had probably meant nothing to her but for Tosh it was a tiny shred of hope that she was still human, that she still meant something. _

She almost leaped in the air as she felt a hand stroke against her leg. She automatically pulled into herself, fearing for a moment that it was a guard coming to reprimand her. But then the familiar hum of the machines burst through her bubble and she remembered where she was, safe in the hub. She looked up and saw Owen standing before her. His hair was pointing in a variety of directions, signalling that he'd been running his hands through it. She could also see that his eyes were red and swollen. He'd been crying.

"Are you alright?" His tone was unusually soft and she could see the concern in his eyes. She took a deep shaky breath and shot him a small smile.

"I'm fine, just being silly." She stood up and walked past him, refusing to look back. The only people who knew about her past were her and Jack. He had encouraged her to talk to the others about it but she had always refused. She couldn't face the questions and the sympathetic comments that she was sure Gwen and Ianto would make. They'd mean well but they'd simply infuriate her because no pitying words could repair the damage that UNIT had caused her. Owen would probably be less comforting, it wasn't in his nature to give sympathy, but she couldn't even tell him. So instead she kept it to herself.

She made it to the toilets without breaking down and leant against the sinks, gazing into the mirrors. Her eyes were red and her skin was blotchy and streaked with tears. There was a trail of snot under her nose and her lips were dry and cracked. The neat ponytail that she had created this morning was now slowly falling out, causing random clutches of hair to fall around her face. She looked a complete mess and it was then that her legs gave way.

* * *

Owen stopped outside the toilet doors as he heard Tosh's cries. He knew that he should just leave her but his body wouldn't let him. He watched as he raised a hand to the door and pushed it open. The toilets were dimly lit but he could make out the figure of Tosh lying underneath one of the sinks. She was curled up on the floor in a ball and her body was shaking with sobs. He had never seen the normally strong woman in such a state. Automatically he rushed over to her and raised her up slightly, pulling her into him. He felt her struggle against him but he held her tight in his arms, letting her beat her fists against his chest.

"I'm not going to let go of you, so you can fight as much as you want but it's pointless," he muttered as he rested his chin on top of her head. He sighed as the punches began to slow and eventually the fighting was replaced with the feel of her shaking body. And then he simply held her and let her cry.

After about ten minutes she pulled away from him, tears still streaming down her face.

"Sorry," she muttered as he gestured to his damp shirt. She sounded like a lost child and he'd never seen her look so broken.

"What's wrong Tosh? You can tell me." He reached an arm out to her and she instinctively recoiled slightly. It was only a fraction but he noticed it. She'd never been uncomfortable around him before and yet here she was pulling away.

"It's nothing, just me being silly." The room descended into silence as he scanned her face. Before everything with Diane and Gwen and Suzy, the two of them had been close. They'd gone out drinking together and he would have classed them as friends. Slowly that friendship had fallen apart though, replaced by a, at most, civil working relationship. And he couldn't deny that it had hurt that they'd gone so far that she couldn't talk to him when she was upset. He sighed slightly and scooted over to her, forcibly wrapping an arm around her.

"Before I came here there'd been this girl. Her name was Katie." Jack was the only member of the team who knew about Katie, something that he'd always refused to share. He'd never found the courage to open up to anyone and talk about her, instead keeping the memories the two of them shared to himself. However if Tosh was going to talk to him then he had to regain her trust, something that he'd lost a long time ago. And maybe telling her about Katie was the way to do that. Plus it would do him good to remember the good times they'd had before she'd been diagnosed. "She was a junior doctor in the same hospital as me and I'd never really noticed her until I bumped into her, literally." Tosh didn't say anything but he could feel her relax and lean into him slightly. He tightened his grip and continued. "I was running late for a consultation and she crashed into me as I turned a corner. We both went flying and ended up in a heap on the floor. I remember that I was so angry, ready to berate this young girl for being so foolish, when she suddenly started apologising profusely. She gathered up all the stuff that had been dropped and shoved some of it at me before running off in the opposite direction. I have to admit that I was intrigued and for some reason I wanted to see her again. I guess I was just lucky that one of her files had been mixed up with mine. When I found her later she thought that I'd come to have a go at her and she tried to run away. I caught her though and introduced myself. We got chatting and we ended up going for coffee." He continued to talk, recounting his first and only serious relationship back to Tosh. He talked about how he fell in love with Katie and how he proposed to her after only six months. Then he told her about how she'd begun to forget things and had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. The whole time that he talked Tosh didn't say a single world, instead simply resting her head against his shoulder. "Then suddenly Jack was in front of me telling me that Katie was dead. I didn't believe him but when I went into the operating room…" He knew that he was crying and he could feel the tears streaming down his face, but he had to keep going for both himself and Tosh. He took a deep breath and felt Tosh suddenly clutch his hand tight in his. He smiled slightly and leant his head on top of hers. "She was lying dead on the table, her head cut open and there was some alien sticking out. Everyone around her was dead as well. I think it was all just too hard to take in - Katie was dead. The worst thing though was that it was all covered up, the whole event changed. I went from being heartbroken to furious. Jack explained it all eventually but at the time I felt so mad. Katie was dead and I didn't even know why." He stopped talking and waited patiently for Tosh to say something. He felt her squeeze his hand and pull away from him slightly.

"I'm sorry." That was all she said before she leant against him again and yet somehow it was enough. He didn't want a flurry of apologies and sympathetic hugs. Tosh had listened to him and that was what he had needed.

* * *

"It was being in that explosion today that brought it all back to me." She stopped for a second and she felt him stroke her hand with his. She sighed slightly before shutting her eyes and beginning to talk again. "My mother was kidnapped and I would have done anything to get her back. This woman blackmailed me into creating some device for her and I did it to just to save her. The whole time I was so scared that they'd kill her that I did anything I could. I worked at the ministry of defence at the time and I broke into their records to steal the instructions. I worked all night to make it. All I cared about was rescuing my mum. But then it all went wrong. UNIT found out somehow and when I handed over the device they stormed in. All I remember was mother being taken from me and her screaming out for me. I can still hear her now shouting for me. That was the last time I ever saw her."

"She's…" She shook her gently and raised a hand to wipe away some of her tears.

"No." She felt Owen nod slightly and she couldn't help but appreciate the fact that he didn't push for answers. She was already struggling to talk about it but it was almost comforting to final share what had happened. "The next thing I knew I was in a tiny cell being told that I'd been stripped off my rights and that they were holding me indefinitely. All I wanted to know was that my mother was okay but they wouldn't tell of me, no matter how much I begged. Instead they just left me in a tiny cell. The only people I ever saw were the guards who brought my food and they never even looked at me, let alone spoke to me. The odd one smiled at me but they soon fell into the format of ignoring me. It was like I was invisible and there was nothing I could do. Eventually I stopped asking about my mum because I knew they wouldn't tell me. I thought I was going to die in that cell, just waste away. I must have been in there for weeks but the days just blurred into one big mess of depression. No one wanted to let me explain and so I gave up; I never knew that it was possible to be quiet for so long. I became convinced that I was just going to go insane. But then suddenly there was Jack telling me that I'd been following incorrect plans or something. I was in too much shock to even listen properly. It felt so strange to be having contact with another human being that I let myself just get lost in his voice. It was so wonderful to hear a sound aside from the mechanical voice that told me that they couldn't tell me anything. But then he told me that they were going to make an example of me, keep me in prison for ever." She felt Owen visibly tense against her and she knew that she too was tensing. The fear that had gone through her when Jack had told her that. She'd have rather died than have remained in that tiny cell for the rest of her life. "Then though he offered me a job, five years working for him. He promised to wipe my record clean and let me start again. I wasn't allowed to see my mother though, only send her postcards. I still haven't seen her, not since I was taken. I took it though, just to be free." She stopped for a second and wiped the tears away that had soaked her cheeks. "I was so scared at first. I had panic attacks being around groups of people and I could barely cope with noise. I adjusted though and I slowly regained my life. Being in that explosion though, it brought it all back to me and I couldn't cope." She fell into silence and closed her eyes, relishing the feel of Owen's arms around her.

"I'm sorry," he murmured as he kissed the top of her head. "We're a right pair aren't we?" She laughed slightly and leant back against him, letting the safety and peace wash over her. Owen too relished the feeling of peace. Tosh had trusted enough to tell him about the horrific event in her life and it was at that point that he vowed to protect her. The two would look out for each other. He closed his eyes and tightened his grip around her, neither planning to move for a long time.

* * *

Next day

Owen flew into the hub just before ten and he skidded straight into Jack.

"You're late for the meeting and your bay is a bloody mess," he said before walking off. Owen sighed before he shrugged off his jacket and made his way to the meeting room. The rest of the team were already sat around the table. He slid into his vacant seat next to Tosh and shot her smile.

"All good now?" he asked.

"All good."


End file.
